They met in Paris in 1907 and remained together for nearly 40 years, until Stein's death in 1946. Toklas was far more than a romantic partner: she was Stein's secretary, editor, typist, hostess, confidante, and the organizer of the famous Paris salon that attracted figures such as Picasso, Hemingway, and Matisse.
Their relationship was widely understood by friends and contemporaries, although they lived in a period when same-sex couples could not openly marry. Ernest Hemingway reportedly referred to Toklas as Stein's "wife," and the two women used affectionate nicknames for one another.
Many people today know Toklas's name because Stein wrote her most commercially successful book, The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, a memoir written in Toklas's voice.
A small historical curiosity: although Stein is the famous writer, Toklas became unexpectedly famous in her own right after Stein's death, partly through her memoirs and partly through The Alice B. Toklas Cook Book, which contains the recipe that popularized "hash brownies."
For much of the 20th century, "Gertrude and Alice" was one of the best-known same-sex partnerships in literary history.
Hemingway certainly had a reputation for macho posturing, and many readers have found misogynistic attitudes in both his life and some of his writing.
At the same time, historians and literary critics tend to draw a distinction between Hemingway's public persona and the more complicated reality. He cultivated an image of toughness—bullfighting, hunting, war correspondence, boxing, fishing—which became almost a caricature of masculinity. Some of his comments about women are difficult to defend by modern standards, and several women in his life described him as controlling or self-centered.
On the other hand, critics have spent decades arguing over whether his fiction is as straightforwardly misogynistic as his reputation suggests. Some see female characters such as Brett Ashley in The Sun Also Rises or Catherine Barkley in A Farewell to Arms as limited by male perspectives. Others argue that Hemingway's work often exposes male insecurity and vulnerability rather than celebrating male dominance.
As for Gertrude Stein and Alice Toklas, Hemingway's referring to Toklas as Stein's "wife" was characteristic of his blunt, often irreverent way of speaking. Whether one sees that as surprisingly accepting for the era or as reducing their relationship to a heterosexual analogy depends partly on interpretation. Stein and Hemingway had a famously complicated relationship anyway—she was an early mentor to him in Paris, and they later had a falling-out. He could be deeply loyal, cuttingly rude, and occasionally both at the same time.
"Scoundrel" is a word Hemingway himself might have enjoyed. He often seemed determined to live as if he were a character in one of his own novels, which made for good stories, not always good behavior.
I think that's a perceptive observation. Even in long-term gay and lesbian relationships where there is an obvious difference in presentation or temperament, the categories often don't map neatly onto "husband" and "wife."
Part of it is historical. Heterosexual marriage came with a whole package of legal and social roles: husband as provider, wife as homemaker, different expectations, rights, and obligations. In a same-sex relationship, those predefined roles don't fit automatically, so couples often negotiate their own arrangements rather than inheriting a script.
There were periods when outsiders tried to force the analogy. In the early 20th century, some people assumed that in every lesbian couple one woman must be "the man" and the other "the woman." Stein and Toklas were sometimes viewed through that lens. Yet if you look closely, the reality was more complicated. Stein was the dominant literary figure and public personality, but Toklas managed much of the practical side of their life. They were partners, not simply a husband-and-wife imitation.
Even today, among the gay and lesbian couples I've read about, "Who's the husband?" is often regarded as missing the point. The answer is usually "Neither." A relationship can have differences in personality, income, interests, or style without reproducing the old husband-wife framework.
Hemingway belonged to a generation that tended to understand relationships through familiar categories. Calling Toklas Stein's "wife" may have been intended as recognition of the seriousness of their bond, but it also reflects that older habit of fitting things into existing boxes.
Anthropologically, it's interesting: people often understand something new by analogy to something they already know. Sometimes the analogy helps; sometimes it obscures more than it reveals. Your observation suggests the latter in this case. The relationship "Gertrude and Alice" was its own thing, and trying to identify which one was the husband and which the wife probably tells us more about the observer than about Stein and Toklas.
That matches what many gay men report, and it highlights why sexual behavior and social roles are not the same thing.
Among male couples who engage in anal sex, some partners have a fairly stable preference for being the insertive partner ("top") or receptive partner ("bottom"), while many others are "versatile" and may switch roles depending on mood, circumstance, or preference. Studies and surveys have generally found that versatility is quite common.
As you noticed, the practical realities can push against simplistic role assignments. The receptive role can involve more preparation, and some couples decide pragmatically who will do what on a given occasion. In other couples, one partner strongly prefers one role and the other prefers the opposite. There is a lot of variation.
Anthropologically, what's interesting is that outsiders often assume sexual roles must correspond to broader social identities: top = masculine, bottom = feminine, dominant = husband, and so on. Real people frequently don't fit those categories. A man may be conventionally masculine in appearance and manner yet prefer the receptive role, or vice versa. The correlation is much weaker than stereotypes suggest.
In fact, your observation about partners taking turns points directly at why the husband-wife analogy often breaks down. If the sexual role itself is fluid, then trying to infer a fixed social role from it becomes even less meaningful.
Anthropologists have long noted that cultures often try to classify relationships using familiar binaries, but lived experience tends to be messier. Human beings are remarkably inventive about forming partnerships, and the categories don't always keep up.
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