A couple days ago I posted a comment that the sexual promiscuity typical of many young male homosexuals, including myself for a few years, is something of a waste of time.

I've had second thoughts.  Of course, most of what we do in life, in the end, is a waste of time.  All the effort I made learning the ins and outs of, first, the insurance business, and then, second, computer programming (at about forty I abandoned underwriting and redefined myself as a computer analyst -- maybe more about that someday) were all a waste of time since I use neither skill today and the skills I did learn are now obsolete.  All the massive study time I spent on both in the end were a waste of time except very short term.  Similarly, the effort finding sexual partners is a waste of time only longer term -- short term it was pleasurable and in the end served me well.

For someone like me who doesn't like competing, a sexual drive forcing me to get out there and compete was, I think, a good thing.  Of course you have to remember that even though for a decent looking, masculine (or at least normal behaving -- excessive masculinity is as much a turn-off in my eyes as is femininity), young man, in a major American city, sexual partners and sexual flings were easy to come by, even though one might suffer a high rejection rate.

Also, I liked older men -- mainly in their thirties and forties -- not uncommon but not common either -- the main emphasis is for partners in their twenties and even younger.  I was I think lucky that way as associating with these guys helped me mature and got me a lot of advice and help in life, and in the end got me out of my typing job and into something where my degree was appropriate.

What happened is that I became friends with a guy who couldn't understand why, with Harvard and all, I had the (in his eyes) dead-end job I had.  He just didn't believe that absence of the degree should be such a barrier.  So he networked around a little for me and got me an interview with an insurance company looking to hire underwriter trainees (degree required) and talked them into taking me anyway -- and, once one has such a job, that does the trick for the future and the degree never came up again.

Competence wins out in practice but getting in the door requires either credentials or some sort of "in."

Indeed, thinking about it I learned a lot in those days.  I was typically naive and over-worried about pleasing my partner in sex, and I was taught how to say, "no."  Since there were certain things I found painful and unaesthetic, this was a good lesson.  Of course one must not be sexually selfish -- good homosexual sex is mostly a matter of two people "taking turns," unlike heterosexual sex where in theory a mutual climax is achieved simultaneously.  (A lot of gay guys try for this too and in some cases it works, but I don't think it is the rule and I don't think it is terribly important).

As I see it now the biggest problem with promiscuous sex is the law of diminishing returns.  One can never duplicate the tremendous excitement and pleasure that comes with the first few experiences, and after awhile one finds oneself fantasizing during sex as though one were just masturbating.  You then think about this and wonder what it was all for.  So a lot of people end up trying wilder and wilder sexual activities and, of course, mixing in drugs.  I did a little of that too and sometimes it was good, but, fortunately, I kept my head and realized fairly quickly that pleasure is transient and cannot be grasped, and there is no point trying.

And, of course, one also wants a permanent relationship.  At first one builds a network of friends -- some of whom are old tricks where the sex was not worth trying to repeat, but most of whom are just other gays one shares life with but not sex.  What about having a lover?  Even better, what about having a life partner?

I decided that if it happened and I found one, that would be great, but I wasn't going to worry about it.